If I were a monk

I don’t know how you readers and my fellow bloggers would react to this but this is a close guarded secret of mine. I want to declare this, as I could not keep it to myself after thinking it over for the last couple of days. This morning while in the morning assembly, a student talked about living the life of a hermit. To lead a Buddhist life, it is necessary that one must keep the intent clean.

Over the first session, when children were busy scribbling and working on some Dictionary activity, I thought of penning it down. I must say to you, this is no laughing matter and everything is factual and true. Not even my closest friend knows about this.

I was born in the tiny town of Chukha in 1984. As I grew up and when I was about 4 and half years, I was taken to my hometown of Dramitse, now in Monggar. I don’t know what made my mom take me to Dramitse but when I realized I was admitted in the Dramitse Monastery as a monk. Can you believe that- head shaven and robed-red!

I still have some faint memories of me living in the big Lakhang and always fearful of the Lopens. From then on I don’t remember anything of coming back to Chukha. It was much later that I came to know about what happened to me. I don’t know what my mother thought when I was made to join the monkhood but it was me from the very beginning that didn’t show interest in the life of the monk. I am told I would always complain about the robes and the life in the monastery. It was after much nagging that I was finally allowed to attend a formal school.

I was a monk for a month or two and then when I was brought back, the academic session had already begun. I was made to appear the first term (there were three terms in a year during those days) all by myself. I can only remember a teacher asking me the color of the sun and my answer to that was ‘red’. When the results came out I was the undisputed topper in my class. I topping my class was with me until middle school and in college; I went a little awry with academics.

Now at this point in my life, I am educated, salaried, and content with my life. Sometimes I get a little curious thinking where and how would I be if I had chosen to become a monk. And thinking of monkhood still sends a cold chill down my spine. I am now a father of a beautiful girl, husband to an understanding wife and I am happy with it. My life revolves and is directly dependent on these two humans.

Where would my happiness lie if I were a monk? This anxiety kills me even now…